Goodbye Phil & Ted

I sold our Phil & Ted stroller today.  It was sad.

This was the stroller I used when we first brought our children home.  This stroller was my partner in crime those first weeks and months with the children.

When we brought our children home we were crammed into a small 2 bedroom apartment in the hip and trendy area of midtown Sacramento.  Not San Francisco, but none the less a pretty cool area.  We had just moved in 2-3 weeks prior because 6 weeks prior I had announced to the world that both of these adoptions would never happen.  I told family and friends that we had to move on with life without our Ethiopian children and moving to this hip area was our start.  I truly believed neither one of these children would ever be with us.  I was hopeless.  Complete and utterly hopeless.  But still, I was ready to embrace what would be our new life.  I was ready to hit the many bars, clubs and restaurants all within walking distance from our upscale apartment.

So we began our new Ethiopian child less life in midtown Sacramento.  It lasted about 72 hours.  No joke.  I received the call.  The ban on abandoned children had been lifted.  Abraham had passed court.  He was legally our son.  10 days later on what was our 5th court date for Mimi we received the call.  We had passed.  She was legally our daughter.  10 long months after our official referral.  I had just planned the lay out and design of the guest bedroom in that fancy midtown apartment too!

Three weeks later my sister and I boarded a plane for Ethiopia.  24 hours later David and his mother left to meet us over there.  The life of my husband and I was forever changed when those two children were placed in our arms.  We spent over a week in Addis before traveling home with our new children.

No one could have prepared me for what was about to unfold.  To be thrown into a completely new life, over night, in a tiny apartment meant for late nights and entertaining with an instant family was beyond ironic.  I still remember laying in my bed, Mimi curled beside me sound asleep her arm wrapped around my back and that music from the bar blasting until all hours of the night.  It made me smile every single time because I never thought in a million years would my daughter be lying beside me in that apartment.

Anyways back to the post.  Phil & Ted.  This stroller was my everything.  He was the only reason we were able to escape the tiny apartment and get out and about during the days. We walked everywhere.  Him and I.  To parks.  To coffee.  To take out.  My babies fell into a peaceful sleep riding through the quiet city streets.  When I thought I would lose my mind(and that happened just once-yeah right!) I would throw my babies in the stroller and off we would go.  They were content.  I was content. I would push that stroller and my mind would race.

What am I doing?  Am I really pushing a stroller?  How is it that I have two children?  Are they really mine?  How could that even be?  Just a couple weeks ago I was calmly strolling down this exact side walk alone, sipping my caramel macchiato and browsing art galleries.  Are they really mine?  Really?  Really? How is it that caring for just 2 children can be so exhausting?  Some people have a dozen kids and they don't complain.  Like that Duggar lady.  How does she do it?  Maybe something is wrong with me.  I thought this would be a breeze.  This is definitely not a breeze.  Why didn't any one say it would be so hard?  When will I be able to go out in public and feel like I know what I am doing with these 2?  What will I do if she has a tantrum right now? Do I have milk with me?  Oh good I have the milk!  When will they understand what I am saying to them?  When will they feel like they are safe? When will my son allow me to hold him and feed him his bottle without crying demanding to be put down on the hard floor to drink in peace?  Why doesn't he want to be held?  Why can't he fall asleep in my arms or in my bed with me? Why does my daughter scream bloody murder if I put her down even to go pee for 5 seconds?  Why do I feel like I want to cry at least 50% of the day? Why is this so hard?  Why can't I be one of those people in that cafe we just passed drinking a glass of chardonnay? 

I would often bring an i pod with me for music.  But not once did I ever plug in the ear phones.  My mind had too many thoughts and I just needed silence.  Silence to contemplate and take in how my life had transformed before my very eyes.  Those first weeks and months were hard.  Very hard as one can see from the thoughts I would have over and over again as I pushed my darling Phil & Ted stroller through the streets of midtown Sacramento.  I don't think there is anything anyone can say to prepare a person for parenthood.  Let alone instant parenthood of a toddler and infant.  But by my side was Phil & Ted.  He was there to listen to all my thoughts on this life changing event that had occurred before my very eyes.  He was there to take in and listen to thoughts which also included:

They are so funny.  I think I have laughed more the last few weeks than ever before.  How are they so funny?  How is it he is so beautiful?  And her.  She is just so pretty.  Pretty and perfect and smart.  How is it I love them so much?  Did he just giggle again?  That boy is always giggling. What if something happens to them?  What will I do?  Could I be okay?  There is no way I would be okay.   I can't believe I miss them when they sleep at night.  Will I always miss them at nighttime?  How is it that caring for 2 little children can make my heart leap with a joy beyond any joy I have ever had?  This is what everyone was talking about.   This is the most wonderful thing I have ever done.  They are the most wonderful little things ever.  I just am so lucky.  How did I get so lucky?  


On that note it's time to say goodbye to my dear Phil & Ted.  Couldn't have made it through without you.